Do you remember?

 Dao-Ji,

Do you remember when we first met in person? I remember your smile and thinking you were pretty darn cute. I remember the sensation of feeling welcomed. It was comfortable. I wanted to know more. I liked the way you carried yourself when you walked. I still like that distinctiveness.

Do you remember putting your hand on my shoulder to walk with your eyes closed over to the hammocks at Crestview? I must have already had a crush on you because that touch was so soft and inviting. It felt like seeds of trust in retrospect.

Do you remember talking in the garden one evening after game night? I was worried I had offended you as "Danger Dao" in an NVC role play, and I wanted to check in. I absolutely loved talking with you and listening to your ideas about the importance of being heard.

Do you remember when I gave you the gratitude and dental books... and later a knitted friday hat??? I carried a note in my jacket pocket for the longest time that said "I wanted to be sure to bring you something. <3" because you joked that I always had something for you - and in case I didn't, I would have that note to give. I never gave you that note because, indeed, I always had something for you. Remind me and I'll give it to you, I still carry it in my to do notebook.

Do you remember the first time you offered me a bite of your food - you let me eat off of your spoon. I never, ever wanted my own spoon, it was too lovely sharing yours.

Do you remember me asking for your phone number and then walking away without it? When I realized that, I totally came back for it. I've never asked for a phone number before! But you're inspiring like that.

Do you remember when I dared you to touch my hand for 10 seconds and you dared to stay for 17 instead? (Yes, I counted.) I loved that connection so much. Again, you felt so soft and inviting. Your hand, yes, but equally your eyes.

Do you remember when I strapped a penis around my neck and defiantly dared you to eat my cookies? November 16th: Penis Day. I was determined to prove we were just friends because it was way too vulnerable to tell you how I really felt. You were so much braver than me - and because of that, I softened. You gave me power by asking me to choose the direction we walked, you listened more completely than I've ever been listened to, and an amazing thing happened - I felt safe.

Do you remember when we met for Vietnamese coffee, puzzling, and knitting / working (you held my yarn and titrated it out to me).......... all I wanted to do was be close to you and touch you. You were (and are) intoxicating. I know you think it's infatuation.......... but I know it's just you.

Do you remember when you held my hands and cried in the cold in front of Baby Greens? I thought we were simultaneously starting to date and breaking up all at once. I think that's the one time in my life I would have stayed in the cold forever to keep holding your hands.

Do you remember when we did a turkey dance for the food trailer at the domain? I don't dance, but that's the second time you inspired me.

Do you remember when you showed up at Mr. Naturals with food for me? I loved that you got to visit my house. We went on a walk past the tree with parallel branches and toured the neighborhood. I loved you being in my neck of the woods.

Do you remember when you let me borrow your sweatshirt because I was cold? I wore it for days and days - god, it smelled so good. I think you should repotentize it and let me wear it again.

Do you remember when we discovered we have different definitions for the word ambivalent? It was so scary, such a pivotal lesson, and a springboard for all of our agreements, which create a web of comfort and mitigation for misunderstandings to come. I feel empowered and confident that we can support each other through similar.

Do you remember when you dropped empty dishes and asked me to fill them with love? I have your note on my refrigerator with a picture of the two holding hands (that some kid drew of course). And your face with avocado that was taped onto the back of my bear's head. I like getting to see the likes of you when I pass by the fridge. It makes me smile throughout the day.

Do you remember when you told Robbie that your girlfriend made you some cookies? I was surprised by that. Pleasantly. I like being your girlfriend very much.

Do you remember when you took off (most of) your clothes and did a work out for me? So I took off (most of) my clothes and sang a song for you? Yeah...... we should take off our clothes more often. But in the same room and at the same time.

Do you remember kissing me on the cheek in my car? Honestly I just want you in my car as often as I can convince you to follow me in there - I'd like to see into the future so I can know what car adventures we have to look forward to.

Do you remember when you laid your head on my shoulder to sleep? I can't explain why, but I love that feeling so much. It feels safe, slow, and peaceful.

I love you, Dao. There are all kinds of feelings wrapped up in it. It's exciting but scary. It involves risk and vulnerability but I also experience such safety and peace. Being with you, I feel happy and comfortable. I enjoy the play, the exploration, the conversation, the touch, the reciprocity. I do think you are beautiful in every way that one can embody beauty. I could hold your hands and stare into your eyes for hours. And at the same time, I know that neither one of us is perfect - in fact, we are each filled with a healthy capacity for mistake making and misunderstandings. But it's matched with a willingness to listen and be present to each other's experiences and needs. You keep showing up; I keep showing up. And I continue to love you just exactly as you are.

Not sure why I am feeling sappy - maybe it's the storm, maybe cupid got me with a delayed vday arrow. Either way, I look forward to seeing you on Saturday and spending time with you. It will feel so good to see you after these seemingly long *weeks* of this *winter storm*. ;)

Much love,

Rachel